We're living in a paradoxical world and I'm a paradoxical girl

I think coming up with the titles for these blogs is the funnest part. You just never know what you're going to come up with. I'm in a reflective mood today and I'm taking stock of my life as it currently exists and I have to say that I feel like I am completely defined by paradox. My actions defy my beliefs, my actions contradict other actions, my words contradict my actions and so on and so forth. I guess you could possibly use the term "hypocritical" to describe my life. Let me give you just a few examples:

• I'm completely turned off by the materialism of modern American Christians. It disgusts me that life revolves around the Benjamins. I think we're called to shun that attitude and I even contend that we should strive to live simple lifestyles, seeking to give as much of what we get as we can. That's certainly a noble idea. Contrast that however with my actions. I'm currently in search of a job. In my search for said job one criteria that I am using to determine my interest is the amount of money I will make. In fact in some regards thats a make or break criteria. The jobs that are most appealing are the ones that pay the best. Now how does that work with my grand ideals?
• I am disgusted with the state of so many churches. Nothing is asked of people, no level of commitment or sacrifice is expected. We don't ask people to change, we don't compel them to become more like Christ. Church in our culture is the most worry-free, no strings attached institution in our country, or so it seems. How does that affect me? I'm currently without a "church home." So where am I visiting? Only the most user-friendly, easy-going, ask little of you church in this quadrant of the galaxy (okay it's not THAT severe, but it's definitely not a place where I find myself counting the cost).
• I lay awake at night pondering what can change the church. I spend countless hours pondering the prayers, attitudes, and actions that will lead to a church more in the image of Christ. I think of the sermons to be preached, the action to be taken, the personal revival neceessary in the hearts of God's people. And yet I'm probably at one of the more apethic, complacent places I've ever been in my own walk with Christ.

I could go on, but I think you get the point. My life doesn't make a whole lot of sense right now. I want to be continually becoming more like Christ, and maybe I am in the grand scheme of things, but it doesn't really feel like it in the here and now. Anyway, welcome to my paradox.